Hey y'all, I know this is a late post for Mother's Day, but after a whirlwind weekend between DeRidder Riding Club and Louisiana Little Britches, my heart has been heavy with emotions that I felt compelled to share. This week leading up to Mother's Day has been a rollercoaster of feelings, and I hope that by opening up, I can connect with others who may be feeling similarly.
The Emotional Build- Up
This last week has been incredibly tough leading up to Mother's Day, but it was almost as if I was unaware of the emotional turmoil I was facing. Throughout the week, I had been quick to temper and just plain ole raging over every little thing. Early on in the week I was dealing with listing our rental property for sale, and purchasing our dream property (fingers crossed). If you've ever bought a house or land, you know the headache that entails. So, I called Andrew, and he was too busy at work to answer the phone. Instantly, annoyed already. Well then, I needed some information about his 401K, and of course he manages to lock himself out of the login. Another problem for me to fix. You can imagine how irritated I am at this point, and use some pretty choice words before hanging up. Maybe 10 mins go by, and I was calling with an apology. Luckily, I am blessed with a very patient husband. He knows me better than I know myself most days, and he recognizes what’s going on before I do. He reminded me to just breathe, and I calmed down for a day or two.
Heartache & Realization
Friday is here before I know it. We take all the horses to the vet to prepare for Little Britches Nationals. I was a little concerned about my older horse Red. I've been having trouble keeping his weight on. The vet decides to take him out the barn, and do another exam. I'm not sure at the moment what. She walks back to me, and I have learned any kind of medical professional's tells lately. She doesn't have good news for me. She says, "Red has EPM, and he is unsafe to ride." I'm not fully understanding everything she is saying. I've already broken down into to tears thinking the worst. While walking him back to the trailer, I realize it’s the ninth. I now know why I have been an emotional train wreck this week. Today is supposed to be a happy day of posting picture of my 4-month-old. Bragging to my family and friends about her milestones. I should be excited about celebrating a new little one to share Mother's Day with on Sunday, but instead my heart is breaking all over again missing Lainey Jayne and worrying about Red.
A Chaotic Saturday
We finally make it to Saturday; I get can a little worked up getting to the arena on Saturdays. We always manage to run behind when I pack everything on Friday night and up by 5 AM on Saturday. I literally picked a fight with my husband over the way he packed the cooler that morning. Of course he is laughing at how ridiculous I am being. Gives me a hug and goes to work.
We finally make it to the arena right at time for the books to close. I'm quickly looking for my place to park, and what happens? The truck starts spinning in the mud, and I'm like seriously (of course not the word I used)???? I take a moment, jump out, and ask my dad to park the truck before I hammer down and bury truck & trailer. I continue to feel myself just building with anger. I'm mad Andrew had to work. Then the four-wheel drive is out. I'm waiting in line to pay, and I'm just growing more irritated. The day continues to spiral. I am not a confident rider at all. But I love going and competing just trying to build my confidence and skill level. Well let me tell you, I didn't realize how attached I've grown to Red. Learning to trust him, knowing how he is going to act during a run. Here I am, on Tabby, (the horse I learned how to ride on) who I haven't been on in months. I feel awkward and not in control. We were just not vibing at all, every run was terrible and worse than the event before. This wasn't Tabby's fault.
I am the one that has been so busy with being pregnant, then mourning, and now the kids that I haven't worked him properly in months. So of course, we both have bad attitudes and show our butts. Not only am I own Tabby's case all day, but I'm just being rude to my parents who are there to help with the kids and support us. I'm irritated with Charlee for not letting her horse run and making excuses of being scared. If you know my child, she is fearless. Especially, when she is on top of a horse, but some weekends she’s just a different child at the arena. It is just frustrating. Instead, of telling her good job for clean runs. I'm fussing about her not focusing and trying her best. I keep telling myself to chill, but I just can't. Then it really hits the fan when my dad jumps on Tabby, and decides to fix him for me. The look on my face was pure rage!! Then Tabby actually minds him and I am even more pissed. They looked like they have been riding together forever, when in reality he's rode Tabby maybe 5 times. I just walk off madder than hell. Every little thing set me off.
The Turning Point
I stopped by my friend's stall, and talked to her about somethings going on. Luckily, she looks me in the face, and goes Kaitlyn, you are one of my best friends, I love you, but hear me when I say this, "You need to breathe and care a little less about everything. You can't control every little thing. You try so hard to take on too much when you've just lost a daughter, trying to move, and plan a memorial barrel race." I know she's right. Shortly after that reality check, my dad walks up with Tabby in the warm up arena, and I just start balling uncontrollably. My Dad and I are so much alike he knows I've let too much build up lately that the emotions have nowhere else to go. He just hugs me and tells me everything is okay. I am loved. In that moment, I am so relieved he is there and started working with Charlee. She started focusing more, and her barrel, pole, and stake runs were amazing!!!! The day ends on a higher note.
Later that night, I find a note typed on my phone, Mama did amazing on her runs today even after crying. I love that she rides her horse. Again, my child is 7. Instant tears filled my eyes and the awful crying begins all over. This is what my child thinks of me even when I was a terrible example of a mother all day.
A Mother’s Day Revelation
Sunday morning gets here. Charlee and I load up Bandit to head down to Sulphur. Just trying to get one more qualifier for barrels and poles for nationals. We are having the best morning! This is exactly what I want to be doing for Mother's Day. Everything is going smoothly, they look amazing in the warm up pen. This is going to be great. They go out and run a 22. something. I am furious. These two have come such a long way together and down into the lower 18s. Okay let’s shake it off poles is coming up. They love poles. It looks amazing as they run down to the end pole, and all of sudden he darts between the poles one to short. WHAT THE CRAP????? WHY????? Charlee corrects him and finishes her run. I'm walking to the trailer with a speech on what went wrong in my head. I think back to that note and collect myself. I remind myself she is only 7, this is her third-year riding, and first year with Bandit. I think of all they have accomplished in the last year as a team. I tell her great job baby, and we will go back to the practice arena to work it out.
Finding Grace & Gratitude
To anyone experiencing their first Mother's Day after a loss, know that it's okay to feel overwhelmed. Grief can cloud your joy, but remember you are doing your best. Give yourself grace and lean on those who love you. Turn your pain over to God, and watch what he does with it. This weekend, I was reminded of God's love through the patience of my husband, the kindness of my daughter, and the support of my friends and family.
Thank you for sticking with me through this long post. If you ever need someone to talk to or just listen, I'm here. Please feel free to reach out via email, our website, or social media. Have a blessed week!
